*******News Flash**********

*******Special Report********

Michigan Bars might open February 1st. If we are good. We have to be good until then. And maybe then she will open the bars. If we are good.

2-3, 4-6, 8-10 now back to around 4-5 inches forecasted. If you want to be sure tune into the web cams the next few days to see what actually falls. It seems our great governor is going to extend restrictions on us till the end of the month. Have a Happy Wednesday…..

Same ole same ole up here,  trails are thin but rideable.  Snow is in the forecast for next week, we will have to wait and see.
Dead Penguins – I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It’s so easy to fool OLD people.

Back to work today. I can’t really comment on conditions since it has been almost a week when I worked last. We have not had any snow but cold at night. You can probably expect poor to fair to some good conditions. We have had a lot of sled traffic but nothing compared to what should be for this time of year.

Holy Shit, still no new snow and none in sight. Sure not stopping people from coming up though.  Riders say trails are rideable, even reporting good conditions in places. Cold temps at night will keep things frozen. Not much else to say so I reposted my Famous Tazer story.

 

With Becker working nights at the bar I was worried about her safety. So I went to Fred’s East Branch Outfitters in Kenton Mi. to see what I could find. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Becker what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to Becker to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

  • My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: Becker can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Happy New Year everyone. I’ve been celebrating a little bit so I haven’t gotten around to posting until now. Not much really to report, snow is slow on coming.  But sleds are plentiful. We have a fire going in front of the Hoop and temps have been mild so it hasn’t been too bad. People have been very understanding of our situation.  Not much snow in the forecast for the next week but temps are going to be mild making our outdoor dining a it a little less painful. I’m headed into the Hoop in a little bit so if you’re out and about I’ll see you later.

We received some much needed snow overnight. According to Dr. Phil 3.6″ fell in Bergland. Becker went out to my truck this morning and told me we had 8″ on the ground. Don’t be mad at her though, I been lying to her about what 8″ is for 15 years.

The Hoop was pretty busy yesterday, seen lots of familiar faces.  Thank you for being understanding about what our restrictions are at the moment.

Riders I talked to said trails were thin in a lot of places but also reported some were in good condition, the overnight snow should help out some. There is not much snow in the forecast for the next week or so but if you are familiar with the UP we all know that can change at any moment, we can only hope. Temps are mild for the next week so that will help with our indoor restrictions.  We are doing what we can during these crazy ass times, please bare with us.

 

There were a lot more sleds around than I though there would be last weekend. They were still going by the house at 10:30 last night. Where they were going or coming from I have no idea. I talked to a group that came in from Hurley, they said trails were rough as hell. They came in on trail 8 from Ironwood, that is rough on a good day and I’m surprised they made it through at all. Conditions are early season at best. Don’t come up and complain that we have a lack of snow, or that bars and restaurants can only do carry outs. These are the hands we are dealt and we have to deal with them. If you want to ride you will be able to, but expect poor conditions as well as some pretty good ones.  Sorry I don’t mean to complain, I just ran into a few stupid people.

No more new snow yet but between now and New Years we have about 10″ forecasted. Conditions will probably be early season, expect troubled spots in areas. The Lake has 3 heaves that I have heard about so use caution out there. Restaurants and Bars are carry out only (yes mixed drinks too) but some of them are planning bon fires outside. Don’t waste your time bitching to us, this is what we have to deal with. See ya soon, I’ll be hanging around Da Hoop.