A woman walked into a pet shop and saw the most beautiful multi-color feathered parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00..

‘Why so little,’ she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, ‘Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ‘New house, new madam.’

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought ‘that’s really not so bad.’

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,’New house, new madam, new girls.’

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation , considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Tom came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

‘Hi Tom’

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, ‘This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.’

The Priest said, ‘No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.’

The little boy replied, ‘If you rub turpentine on a cat’s ass, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!’

I wouldn’t look for any improvement on the trails this week. I think the fat lady is singing.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, “Nothing.”
The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”
But you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can’t seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.

Back up and running again finally.  Just in the nick of time to give you the bad news. Temps are rising and no new snow is in site. Mother Nature is a democrat I think. If that offends you I don’t care, just go look at the price of gas these days. Most bars up here have made accommodations for plugging in cell phones. What is next? Plug ins for electric snowmobiles?  People better wisen up quick before it is too late for our country.  Sad thing is I think the worse is yet to come.

It looked like a busy weekend out there in front of Mom’s house.

 

A woman came home late one evening to find her husband in bed with a beautiful young woman. 

She was furious but was calmed when her husband started explaining how this came about. 

As I was driving home, I spotted this young lady so sad and forlorn, so I offered her a ride. 

She was hungry so I brought her here and fed her some of the roast you shoved in the fridge and forgot. 

Her shoes were frayed and worn so I gave her a pair of yours that you quit wearing because they were out of style. 

She was cold so I gave her that birthday sweater that you never wore because you didn’t like the color. 

Her slacks were so worn out that I gave her a pair that you were unable to wear because you had gained weight. 

 

Well, as she was starting to leave the house, she asked me if there was anything else that your wife never uses anymore, so, here we are.

I’m out of work with a bad back, getting old sure sucks.

I been having back problems and haven’t worked for a while.  But I’m sure trails are good to very good, we don’t have the traffic so come on up. temps are warming up.

 

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?” “No” said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?” “No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. “Now” she said “Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?” “No way” he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: “Go look in the garage.”

-25 at Mom’s this morning. Warming up I promise……..

 

 

OK i was wrong, -20 and you were still out on the trails, I used to do it too 20 years ago.  There is not a lot of snow in the forecast but that could change. Traffic is way down so I would expect trails to be holding up. Warmer weather is coming our way too.

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has”. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished’. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

Ole answered, “Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat pretzel hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face…I had nuttin’ to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.”

So the trainer exclaimed, “That’s what finished him off!”

“Vel not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!”